---(from 2012)

So when the cat is away, most people, well according to the saying, they play. In my case this isn't always so much fun.

Please be warned there will be some potentially graphic descriptions of things that you may find disgusting, revolting, funny or sick. You have been warned.

This week for one reason or another pretty much everyone with a title, stock options or the ability to say No without being questioned is gone. Normally that is a good thing. This week, not so much.

We have a mandatory monthly department meeting where each department goes over non-operational issues to make sure we do the house-cleaning. I have only sat in on one of these before, and frankly they are dreadfully boring and deal with things that are the equivalent to adult babysitting and telling kids to clean their room.

One of the rules to this meeting is someone in senior management must attend and comment on how to best resolve some of these issues. With all of the senior management gone and anyone else that usually goes, that left me.

Hence the title of the thread.

That makes me the highest ranking pawn left on the board. So it was me that had to go and provide "advice, perspective and guidance to the supervisors "in this meeting.

The format goes like this: All the supervisors show up to the meeting or call in if they are in a different office. Each one of them has a list of issues they need to discuss and resolve. A lot of this can be a complain session over things they should have handled but didn't. Some of it is genuine issues and some of it is just total BS that makes you want to run out the door screaming. As usual, I will highlight the more interesting items and omit the boring stuff.

{Supervisor of Department A - female}

Issue:

The cleaning crew (aka janitorial staff) has indicated in the past week the woman's restroom has had a reoccurring issue with feminine protection being left on the floor in a used capacity and the seat of the toilet.

What I wanted to say

So you are telling me some woman, left bloody tampons or maxi-pads on the floor of the bathroom and the toilet seat had blood on it after she used it. That's just FN disgusting. Find her and fire her for being a slob

What I actually said

Please make sure the female supervisors in the departments that use the women's restroom hold a meeting with the women and ensure they are leaving the restroom clean and safe after they use it. If necessary, the female supervisors will need to make periodic checks of the restroom to identify any specific individuals that need to be spoken with.

{Supervisors of Department B}

Issue:

The copy machine in my area is going through twice as much paper as we did last month and we have to borrow paper from another department

What I wanted to say:

So in other words either someone in your department is using it more then before or someone from another department is stealing your paper for their machine. And you don't know which one it is.

What I actually said:

Please make sure your dedicated clerical person is ensuring that the paper for the copy machines is kept in the (locked) supply room and paper is removed when it is needed for the copy machine. Also please ask the clerical person to check if any one person is requesting additional paper that is allocated for the copy machine or is making unusually large amount of copies

{Supervisor of Department C – male}

One of my staff {older woman} claims she almost tripped and fell when leaving the building because of some cigarette butts on the ground by the back entrance.

What I wanted to say:

You are FN kidding me; she almost tripped over a cigarette butt. Yea right. Oh yea, and go tell the smokers to stop being lazy bastards and put their cigarette butts in the metal garbage can.

What I actually said:

Please distribute a memo to the staff instructing them that they are to use the designated smoking areas and the receptacles specifically designed for cigarette butts. Also, please ask the cleaning crew check the entrances of the building to ensure they are clean and safe.

{Supervisor of Department – D}

Issue:

Several of my staff have said {complained} that they can no longer get to the required internet sites to complete their job.

What I wanted to say:

So you mean since we put in the content filter and myspace, yahoo videos, youtube and facebook are blocked your staff is pissed off ? Because I don't remember you sending IT a list of required work related sites you needed. Oh yea, and since we cut out youtube and streaming audio and video, our bandwidth dropped by 25% a day.

What I actually said:

As soon as you can, please forward a list of sites that your staff requires to complete their daily work responsibilities. I will then ask IT to add them into the content filter as approved.

{Supervisor of Department A - female}

Issue:

We are running out of plastic forks and spoons in the lunch room and would like to order more next month. I would like to double the order.

What I wanted to say:

Holy sh*t, we order 5000 of each per month for 100 people. I know that not all of them use them, where the hell are they going. Are we supporting a family picnic every weekend for half the staff? Seriously, where are they going? Al Gore is going to call me and say I'm filling up landfills with plasticware.

What I actually said:

To my understanding our staffing levels {in your office} have remained consistent so I am not sure how we are running out of disposable utensils. In the past we have had them stockpiling in the storage room. Perhaps we should better evaluate if they are being used for defined lunch and break times by the staff before we order more.

{Supervisor of Department – D}

Issue:

We are having a problem with emails from clients not getting through our spam filter.

What I wanted to say:

You mean the emails that say V!@gra, Big Hairy P*ssy, College Sluts and Make her Cum all night, you mean those emails. Because yea, we block those. Yea and all those viruses we were getting from someone downloading those cute emote-i-cons, well we block those too now.

What I actually said:

If you can identify an email that has not been received and the sender indicates it has been sent, then I will ask the IT staff to review the spam filter and see if it is seen there. From that point we will create a rule to allow these emails to pass through the filter.

There is more, but you get the point. Oh the joys of being the highest ranked pawn on the wrong day.